How to Leave Work at Work: Tips for Better Work-Life Balance

Jan 12

I work with a lot of folks who genuinely love the work that they do, and whose careers are closely tied to their identities. This can be a wonderful thing in so many ways - it creates fulfillment, satisfaction, ambition, and a sense of purpose.

Yet it can also mean that it’s hard to leave work at work. Instead of coming home, disconnecting, and turning towards family, pets, or hobbies, you might be running through your to-do list in your head, ruminating over a conversation with your boss or co-worker, or planning an upcoming work project.

Signs You’re Struggling to Disconnect From Work

While taking work home from time to time might not be the worst thing in the world, there are certain signs that indicate that it’s become more problematic:

It feels out of your control. Intentionally choosing to catch up on emails over coffee on a Saturday morning to help lighten your load during the week is one thing. But if you feel like you can’t help yourself from opening up your laptop, or stopping work after the hour you said you would dedicate to it, then it’s a sign that things have moved out of balance.

It’s interfering with your relationships. This might show up as tension or conflict in your relationship with your spouse, going longer periods of time without seeing friends, or missing out on your kids’ activities on a regular basis.

It’s creating stress or anxiety. If you’re taking work home, it should ultimately be to help lighten your load a bit. If it’s instead making your stress levels worse, creating anxiety, or making you irritable all the time, then it’s moved into unhelpful territory.

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Work

The interesting part is that a lot of people recognize that taking work home is problematic, but they still have a lot of trouble leaving it behind, which can happen for a number of different reasons.

For one, choosing not to work can kick comparison into high gear - you might suddenly think of your colleague who’s sending emails at 9pm at night, or the one who got three publications this year. This can immediately make anyone feel like they’re not doing enough or falling short in certain ways.

Related to this, putting work aside can also bring up people-pleasing and feelings of guilt. You might think of the colleague who begged you to help out on a committee, the student who really needs help in your class, or the hundred emails in your inbox from people waiting to hear back from you.

We’re also often unaware of what expectations we’ve set for ourselves around being “good” at our jobs. If you’ve unconsciously set the expectation that being skilled at your job means never saying no to a request, responding to all emails within an hour, or being able to juggle ten projects at once without breaking a sweat, you’ve set yourself up for an impossible task, where slowing down or taking a break will likely feel like failure.

In addition, sometimes work can feel easier than the other areas of our lives. If you feel confident in the work that you’re doing, it can be harder to set that aside and be faced with the areas in which you feel lost or deflated, like unresolved conflict with your spouse, or your kid’s behavioral issues that you’re dealing with. Although work isn’t easy, on some level, it can feel easier.

Finally, it can be difficult to accept that we literally can’t do it all. It’s hard to accept that we’re limited to the 24 hours we all have in a day, as well as to whatever energy levels we have at any given time. Ignoring this reality can contribute to a sense of failing, even when we’ve set ourselves up for that to be inevitable.

How to Leave Work at Work: Practical Strategies That Help

So what’s the solution? How do you give yourself full permission to disconnect from work?

Here are my top strategies for leaving work at work.

Be Mindful of Comparison.
If you’re comparing yourself to the person who’s sending emails late at night, or has numerous publications, ask yourself - would I want this person’s life? It’s easy to assume that other people are doing things the “right” way and that you’re doing them the “wrong” way.
But there is no right or wrong (well, maybe somewhat wrong if someone’s health and well-being is being ruined by overworking). That person is likely having to make sacrifices in other areas in order to do those particular things, and those sacrifices might not be ones that you would be comfortable making. Ultimately, it’s about creating the life that YOU want for yourself, not living someone else’s life.
Don’t Let Guilt Run the Show.
Guilt usually pops up when we’re tending to other peoples’ needs at the expense of your own. Taking care of yourself and setting boundaries isn’t about ignoring other peoples’ needs - it just means tending to your own just as much.
That colleague who’s begging you to join the committee? Ask yourself whether you genuinely have the capacity to take it on. If you do, and it’s something that would fulfill you, by all means, then take it on. But if you get a pit in your stomach or immediately want to scream at someone, then it’s time to drop the guilt and give yourself permission to say no.
Adjust Unrealistic Expectations of Yourself.
Are you expecting yourself to have an empty inbox, join every committee, and attend every conference, while at the same time making a home-cooked meal every night and tending to your kids, all with a smile on your face?
If yes, then it might be time to examine why you’ve set such lofty goals for yourself, and whether you would expect the same of anyone else that you care about. Unrealistic goals keep us overworking and overdoing, rather than being able to disconnect and tend to the other important areas of our lives.
Strengthen the Other Areas of Your Life.
It’s going to be a thousand times harder to disconnect from work if home is a place of stress and strain, rather than one of comfort and joy. Ask yourself - what would need to change for me to feel ease and pleasure at home after work?
Although it will take more energy upfront, do the things that will make your home a pleasant place to be. That might mean having that difficult conversation with your spouse, or hiring a cleaner to do the cleaning you haven’t had time to do, or setting better bedtime boundaries with your kids. It’s easier to disconnect from work if there are other things that are a joy to focus on.
Make a Pie Chart of Your Time.
I love a good chart or graph, and one of my favorites for mapping out your time is a pie chart. You can’t add additional space to a pie chart, just as you can’t add time to the day, so it’s perfect for divvying up where your time is actually going.
If you want to add something in (like a new work project), it forces you to think about what you’re okay with taking time away from. It also forces you to take a good hard look at whether you’re genuinely okay with where your time is going and whether it aligns with your values.
Turn Off Phone Notifications (Really).
People sometimes look at me like I have five heads when I make this suggestion, and yet there was a time (not that long ago actually) when we all existed without our phones constantly dinging and buzzing. There’s research to support that it takes our brains more energy to shift our attention and focus, so every time your phone goes off and you have to redirect your focus, you’re using way more energy that you need to.
In addition, you have no control over what those notifications are going to be. They may be benign, but it might also be something that causes a lot of stress and anxiety, which means that even if you were feeling present at home, you’re likely not going to be any longer. It’s actually better to check your messages more frequently but to do so intentionally, than it is to be at the mercy of your notifications. So please, turn them off. Go do it now.
Explore What Brings You Joy Outside of Work.
It’s often hard to stop doing something that we enjoy and are invested in if we come up blank when we actually have free time. So engage in some trial and error - try a new activity either by yourself or with a partner - and see if you enjoy it. If you hate it, you never have to do it again. But you might stumble across something that brings you joy that you wouldn’t have expected.

Ultimately, the goal isn’t perfection - it’s creating a life that feels balanced, meaningful, and aligned with your values. If you’re still struggling to disconnect from work and would like the help of a therapist, please feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help.