Bracing for the Holidays? Here’s How to Survive Family Stress This Season

Dec 15

For some, the holidays mean a time of rest, joy, and quality time with loved ones.

For others, they bring stress, anxiety, and even dread, as they anticipate spending time in relationships that have always felt tense, difficult, and strained.

The holidays don’t mean that your mom’s passive-aggressive behaviors will suddenly disappear. Or that the conflict between your parents will magically resolve. Or that your grandfather who always makes racist comments will suddenly see his ways.

Many of us get pulled back into old family dynamics at a time when we’re also expected to “be merry,” which can create a disconnect between what we want the holidays to feel like and what they actually are.

All of this can feel particularly challenging when all you want to do is listen to some holiday music, enjoy time away from work, and genuinely disconnect from the stressors of life for a bit.

For some folks, the answer might be to not spend with family at all, which can be a valid solution, especially when the environment that you would be returning to is a toxic one, or would take a substantial toll on your mental health.

However, for those who still value spending time with family but also want to make their own well-being a priority, there are ways to make these visits and interactions less stressful.

Below are strategies that focus on creating both physical and emotional space during the holidays, so you can show up in ways that feel more grounded and sustainable.

Be flexible with the amount of time you spend with family.
Families can get into routines and habits over time that no longer work for changing circumstances, so it’s important to re-evaluate whether the amount of time you typically spend with family over the holiday is still working for you or not.
Instead of picking an arbitrary amount of time to visit, think about how much QUALITY time you’re able to spend with your family, before you start becoming exhausted, irritable, and frustrated. Is that one week? Three days? One day? There’s no right or wrong answer here. It’s about picking the length of time that minimizes stress and increases the likelihood that you can enjoy the time with your family.
If you’re in a relationship, find compromise around visiting in-laws that works for both of you.
When you’re trying to accommodate not just one but two families over the holidays, the stressors can feel amplified a thousand fold. This can be even more stressful if you’re trying to maintain the exact same plans and traditions that you kept when you were single. The reality is that visiting two families over every holiday may no longer be feasible, particularly if you’ve got kids in the mix as well.
So start by brainstorming as a couple to figure out different possibilities and options that work for you and your immediate family. Does that mean still visiting both families but for a shorter period of time? Or does it mean rotating holidays, where you visit one family for a particular holiday and the other family for another holiday? And remember that you can change your mind - if you try something and it doesn’t work, you’re allowed to change it.
Be flexible with your accommodations.
If you typically stay in a relative’s home when visiting, consider getting a hotel instead if you can financially afford to do so. Having a space to retreat to during the evening and morning hours provides room to disconnect from family stress, take care of yourself, and reset before heading back into family dynamics.
Give yourself permission to take breaks.
There can be pressure during the holidays to maximize time with family and take advantage of the limited time that you have together. And yet forcing time together when you’re not feeling it is only going to create more tension and frustration.
If family is stressing you out, then retreat to another room in the house for a bit to have some quiet time for yourself. Or if the area you’re visiting has local options, take a break by going to a coffee shop or bookstore. Ultimately, the goal is to focus on the quality of your interactions with family over quantity.
Take your activities with you.
If you typically enjoy reading, knitting, puzzles, crafts, games, etc., then bring the items that you need with you to do that activity while you’re away. Having an activity serves multiple purposes - it takes the pressure off of constant conversation, it allows you to reconnect with yourself, and it provides an opportunity to connect with others in a way that’s less emotionally charged. If the activities you typically enjoy don’t transfer easily, still see if you can find something that would be a positive distraction for you while you’re away.
Practice slowing down and being mindful.
Even when you feel like you’ve made a ton of progress on yourself and your own stuff, family can easily pull us into old habits and dynamics, making us feel like we’re suddenly ten years old again. This can happen so quickly, that we can find ourselves acting in ways that don’t feel good or authentic to ourselves.
Although it’s easier said than done, try to slow down and just notice your thoughts and feelings when around family. What emotions come up for you? What do you notice happening in your body? For example, if your dad’s tone shifts and you suddenly feel your chest tighten, simply naming the sensation (“I’m feeling tense”) can create just enough distance to choose a calmer response.
Taking these steps doesn’t fix the situation, but it does make it more likely that you’ll be able to show up in ways that feel more grounded and authentic. It’s the difference between feeling like an actor in a play versus an audience member. In the first, you’re fully immersed in the story. In the second, you’re watching and observing and have more room to respond in ways that feel good to you.
Set boundaries in conversations.
These days in particular, conversations can feel like a mindfield, as you just wait for a family member to say something that makes you want to scream. So it’s important to give yourself permission to set boundaries in these situations that feel grounded to you. This might mean tactfully ending or walking away from a conversation that you know is going nowhere good. Or it might mean speaking up if someone says something that’s blatantly inappropriate or harmful towards another person.
And remember: you never have to confront something if it feels unsafe, unwise, or simply too taxing for you. The goal is choosing the response that feels aligned and sustainable - not forcing yourself into conflict.
Set more specific boundaries.
Keep in mind that everything listed above so far is a form of a boundary. Boundaries are behaviors that are both protective of you and your relationships - they should come from a place of self-care and groundedness, not from punishment or spite. Other examples of boundaries over the holidays might mean being tactful but firm when saying no to alcohol or food, telling family not to feed your dog, and setting expectations around gifts for your kids.

Ultimately, the goal isn’t to ignore issues with family or to strive for perfect interactions. It’s to figure out what steps will allow you to take care of yourself, so that family interactions feel more manageable. A holiday doesn’t have to be perfect to be peaceful - it only has to be workable for you.

If you’d like support navigating these dynamics more deeply, therapy can help - and I’m here if you need it.