Compatibility vs Chemistry: What Really Matters in Lasting Relationships

Oct 6

I used to love the movie “The Wedding Planner” when I was younger. There was something that seemed so romantic about Mary finally finding the love of her life after all of those years of planning weddings for other people.

But now, over 20 years later, I can’t help but cringe. The movie is packed with problematic messages that are easy to overlook when you’re wrapped up in the charm of a rom-com.

Like, maybe if Steve was aware that he had feelings for someone else other than his fiance, he should have had not just one, but multiple conversations with his fiance about this BEFORE their fricking wedding day.

And maybe both Mary and Steve should have sat down together and said something like, “Hey, there seems to be something here between us. Can we talk about what that is?”

And maybe Fran should have also said something before her wedding day if she was feeling trapped and anxious rather than genuinely excited about spending her life with this person.

But if anyone in that movie had even remotely communicated in any healthy way, there would have been no movie - because healthy communication typically bypasses drama, which is what movies revolve around.

The Problem with Romantic Comedies

Beyond the lack of healthy communication though, there’s also another major issue to this movie, as well as most romantic comedies:

They sell us the idea that the story ends with “happily ever after,” when in real life, that’s actually when the story is just beginning.

Mary and Steve never had a real conversation. They didn’t actually know each other. All they knew was that there was chemistry and attraction between them that was enticing.

So let’s imagine for a second what would have happened after the end of the movie. They probably would have gone on an actual date - which maybe could have gone amazingly well - but it also could have been awkward as hell, with crickets chirping and both of them pulling teeth. They might have walked away after one date, feeling deflated and disappointed after all of that build up.

Which brings us to the bigger point, and what this post is really about:

Chemistry Isn’t Everything

Most romantic comedies communicate the black-and-white message that chemistry and attraction equal compatibility and long-term potential.

But in reality, chemistry and compatibility are completely separate - and attraction alone doesn’t tell us much about long-term fit.

When we assume relationships are this simple, it feels easy: just follow the butterflies, and you’ll know who to pursue romantically. But relationships are much more complex. Chemistry is only one piece of the puzzle, and when we focus on it exclusively, we risk missing the other pieces that matter just as much - if not more.

The Three Components of a Healthy Relationship

Relationships are primarily made up of three, crucial components, all of which we need to look for when dating and pursuing relationships. These three components are:

1. Chemistry / Attraction

Most of us are familiar with what chemistry and attraction feel like. There might be a feeling of butterflies in the stomach, being a bit tongue-tied, or a desire for physical intimacy with the other person. These feelings can be intense, and because of this, they’re easy to attribute more meaning to than actually makes sense.

Being attracted to someone means just that - you’re attracted to them. It doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together. It doesn’t mean you’re compatible. It just means there’s physical chemistry.

It’s not attraction that gets people into trouble - it’s the assumption that attraction means something more, which can then lead people to pursue someone when it doesn’t make sense, or even sabotage a current relationship if they’re in one.

2. Friendship

Most of us are also familiar with what friendship is. Friendship typically involves a mutual sense of trust and caring for the other person. There are shared interests and values, and a decision to spend time with one another, in a way where both people feel valued. There’s also openness - allowing the other person into your life and being vulnerable with them.

3. Compatibility

Compatibility is the aspect of long-term romantic relationships that flies under the radar the most. Compatibility is about whether you actually fit together on a long-term basis across many different areas. Here are some common examples of compatibility:

Do you share similar values around finances? If not, can you communicate well enough to find a common ground?
Do you want children? What is the role that you want family to play in your life?
How important is it to each of you for the other to share your interests?
Are you introverted or extroverted? What amount of quality time do you need to feel satisfied in a relationship?
How do you each manage conflict? Can you work together so both people feel heard and respected?
Do you want a traditional or non-traditional relationship, and is the other person wanting similar things?
How important is sex to you in your relationship? How does that fit with the importance of sex to your partner?
What role does religion or spirituality play in your life, if any? Is this aligned with your partner’s?

These questions rarely get asked in the movies - but they’re the questions that determine whether a relationship can actually last.

Why People Avoid Talking About Compatibility

When dating, many people assume that once they’ve checked the boxes of chemistry and friendship, that they’re done - they’ve found their person. Yet it takes a long time to truly get to know someone and to determine whether long-term compatibility exists.

Other people know that they need to assess compatibility, but they avoid doing it. Why? Two big reasons:

It’s vulnerable. It’s not necessarily easy to let someone know who you are at a deeper level, to express what you’re truly needing in a relationship, and open up the possibility that the other person might tell you that they can’t meet those needs.
It’s not sexy. When you’re basking in the honeymoon phase, it can be hard to pull back the curtain and ask the tougher, practical questions.

Obviously there’s a goldilocks timing to these questions - asking this on a first date isn’t going to be the most appropriate thing in the world. But they also can’t be ignored altogether if you’re wanting a long-term relationship.

How the Three Pieces Fit Together

Ultimately, a relationship thrives when all three areas are present. Just two alone can mean that problems arise or important things are sacrificed. Here’s what that looks like:

Chemistry + Friendship - Compatibility: This is the easiest trap to fall into, because it can feel like you have everything necessary for a relationship, even if significant pieces are missing from the equation. It can be easy to rationalize away problems or issues in the relationship, because experiencing both chemistry and friendship with someone can feel intense. Yet inevitably, problems will likely arise if you’re missing fundamental compatibility with the person.

Friendship + Compatibility - Chemistry: Some people wonder how important chemistry really is, since appearances change and chemistry fades. The answer: it matters. Without it, you have companionship, not romance. And unless both partners agree that intimacy isn’t important, this often feels like living with a roommate. We pursue romantic relationships because we crave something beyond just friendship and companionship - we want passion, physical intimacy, and connection in a more visceral way. It’s okay not to sacrifice that.

Bottom line: passion, friendship, and compatibility each matter - and together, they create the foundation for a healthy long-term relationship.

Questions to Ask Yourself While Dating

So if you’re dating and wanting to pursue a relationship, make sure that you’re being mindful of whether all three areas of a relationship are present:

Do you feel attracted to the other person? Do you have chemistry with them? Do you light up when you’re around them?
Do you genuinely like the person? Do you find them interesting and admirable? Can you laugh with them and have a good time? Do you find it easy to talk to them and share aspects of yourself with them?
Do you align in the areas that are important for a sustainable long-term romantic relationship? Are you being honest with yourself about what you truly need and want in a relationship, and are you willing to express those needs to your partner?

The good news is this: when all three are present, relationships don’t just survive - they thrive. Chemistry brings excitement, friendship creates warmth and trust, and compatibility provides the glue that holds it all together long-term.

So next time you notice those butterflies, enjoy them, but don’t stop there. Look for the other pieces, too. That’s how you move beyond the rom-com fantasy and into a relationship that actually works in real life.

And if all of this feels messy and difficult, and you need help navigating the dating landscape, don’t hesitate to reach out - I’m happy to help.