Healthy Communication in Relationships: Why It’s Hard + How to Improve
Healthy communication is at the heart of every strong relationship, whether it’s with a friend, a partner, or a family member. We need to be able to have difficult conversations, engage in conflict in healthy ways, and talk about our feelings and needs.
And yet most of us will avoid talking to the people who matter the most, because it feels scary and overwhelming.
Why We Avoid Communication
For one, unless we grew up with excellent role models for communication through our parents or teachers, most of us weren’t actually taught HOW to communicate. We might have been required to take trigonometry in school, but we weren’t required to take a basic course on how to talk to other people, even though it’s something we do every single day.
And yes, maybe we were taught the very basics of communication, like showing respect through saying please and thank you. But when it comes to more nuanced, complex situations, like sharing with a friend that you felt hurt by what they did, we often don’t know where to even start.
Second, if we’re not used to talking in that way, it can feel incredibly scary and vulnerable to express our feelings and needs to others and risk being met with criticism, defensiveness, or rejection. And depending on the relationship, it can also be hard to trust that any rift that might come from the conflict can be repaired.
The Cost of Staying Silent
However, when we don’t open up to others, it inevitably leads to rifts. If we suppress our feelings or try to rationalize them away, they build up over time. It’s like stuffing more and more items in a closet - one day you open the closet door, and everything comes tumbling out.
When we don’t communicate our feelings, they WILL eventually come out, often in the form of either passive-aggressive or aggressive communication. We might snap at our partner when they show up late for the hundredth time. Or we might send a passive-aggressive text to a friend who hasn’t been pulling their weight in the relationship lately.
And when this happens again and again, it gradually erodes our relationships, causing more harm than if we had simply acknowledged our feelings the first time around.
How to Communicate in a Healthy Way
So what does it actually look like to communicate in a healthy way?
The best way to communicate is to use what are called “I” statements. These types of statements are focused on your emotional experience, rather than attacking the other person. Here are a few examples of what this looks like:
DON’T SAY: “You never do anything in this relationship. I’m always the one having to make plans.”“
DO SAY: “I don’t feel like a priority when I’m always the one making plans.”
DON’T SAY: “I can’t believe you forgot my birthday. What kind of person does that?”
DO SAY: “I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. It makes me feel alone when the things that matter to me are overlooked.”
DON’T SAY: “You never let me talk. All you care about is what you have to say.”
DO SAY: “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted during our conversations.”
DON’T SAY: “This is the third time this week that you haven’t called me back - I guess I’m just not that important to you.”
DO SAY: “I feel anxious when you don’t return my phone calls. It makes me wonder if our relationship is as important to you as it is to me.”
The tricky part about “I” statements is that you first have to be able to actually know what you’re feeling, before articulating it to someone else. And although most of us are pretty good at being able to tell when something makes us feel bad or upset, we can struggle to be more specific.
And even if we can identify what we’re feeling, it’s often hard to slow down, pause, and take a step back from those feelings, at least enough to be able to calmly and tactfully talk to someone else about our experience.
However, using “I” statements is a skill like anything else - the more you do it, the easier it gets.
Active listening is another tool that goes a long way in communicating to others. This means repeating back what you heard the other person say BEFORE responding with your own thoughts and feelings. Miscommunication often stems from misinterpreting what the other person is saying or means, so by clarifying this first, it can prevent unnecessary issues from arising.
Picking the right time is also important in effective communication. For example, if something comes up right before bed when you’re both exhausted, it’s okay to wait until morning to talk about it, when you’re both rested and in a better place to show up for a conversation.
Common Communication Myths
Even when you start trying to communicate more with the people in your life, you might find yourself falling into a few common pitfalls. Here a few of the most common ones I see:
“I’ve been with my partner for five years. I shouldn’t have to communicate my needs to them - they should already know after being together this long.”
When you’ve been with a partner long-term, then yes, they should have a general understanding of things that you like and need in a relationship. For example, if you really love physical affection, then your partner likely knows that a hug at the end of a long day is something that you’ll appreciate.
But our needs fluctuate daily, and we can’t expect our partners to read our minds. Let’s say you had an exhausting day and need peace and quiet. You come home, and your partner starts chattering about his work stress. You immediately think, “I can’t believe he’s going on and on when I’m this drained.”
If you haven’t communicated to your partner that you’re exhausted and need some quiet time, then that’s not your partner’s fault. It’s your responsibility to tell your partner how you’re feeling and what you’re needing. And this can be done in a tactful and kind way: “Babe, I would love to hear about your day, but I’m tapped out and need some quiet time. Can we talk later, maybe after dinner?”
There are ways to address your partner’s feelings and needs while also addressing your own.
“I already told my partner what I need, and he didn’t listen. I shouldn’t have to tell them twice.”
Although it would be great if we could bring something up once with our partners and have that magically fix everything, the reality is that we’re all human, and rarely do we learn things immediately. It takes time to build new habits in relationships and incorporate our partner’s feedback into our lives.
What matters more is how your partner responds when you do bring something up again. Do they say, “You’re right, I’m sorry I forgot”? Or do they dismiss your feelings with, “I don’t see why this is an issue”?
The foundation of a healthy, sustainable relationship is built through a lot of ongoing communication, where both people express their needs while also showing care and respect.
When Communication Isn’t The Answer
Although open communication is typically the best way for navigating conflict, there are situations where it’s actually safer or wiser not to engage.
The person is abusive. In abusive relationships, the usual “rules” don’t apply. Expressing your feelings might put you at risk. In this case, focusing on safety and support - not open communication - is the healthier path.
There’s a long history of failed attempts. If you’ve tried repeatedly to communicate in healthy ways and have only been met with criticism, defensiveness, or rejection, that’s important data. In those cases, setting boundaries is often the better choice. This might mean limiting time spent with the person or ending a conversation when respect is missing.
Final Thoughts on Communication
At its core, communication is an act of connection. The more we practice it with care and intention, the stronger our relationships can become - even when things feel hard.
Communication can be tricky territory to navigate. If you’re struggling with how or when to talk with the people in your life, feel free to reach out - I’m happy to help.
Hi, I’m Amanda. I’m a psychologist in Bloomington, Indiana providing online counseling and therapy services to professionals navigating life transitions. Please reach out if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment.
