Is Your Idea of Success Actually Yours?
Success is one of those words we throw around constantly, especially in academic spaces, without ever stopping to ask what it actually means to us.
I love working with academics - they’re typically ambitious, insightful, and want to get to the meat of what’s going on for them.
But time and time again, I see the same trap: success is a finish line they’re sprinting toward, but someone else drew it.
There’s a huge push in the academic community to be successful, and yet rarely does anyone pause to think about what this actually looks like or means to them.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word success is defined as a “favorable or desired outcome.” But who decides what’s favorable or desired? And who is actually creating the goals and outcomes we’re striving for?
How External Messages Shape Our Definition of Success
Too often, our definition of success is shaped by what others want for us, not what we value or care about. That disconnect creates a lot of added stress and pressure, often without us realizing why.
Although not every school or department is guilty of this, many academic environments send the message, either explicitly or implicitly, that a career in academia is the only acceptable pathway forward. Mention that you might want to work for a private organization or switch paths altogether, and you might receive aghast looks as if you told someone you kicked a puppy.
And this isn’t just an academic problem. Every work culture has its own ideas about what success should look like.
Even for those who feel grounded in themselves and their decision-making, it can be incredibly difficult to not question or doubt yourself in the midst of feedback like that, especially when it’s coming from authority figures or mentors who are supposed to help guide your path.
And the messages don’t stop there. We all absorb ideas about success long before we ever step into a career.
If you grew up in an upper-class family, then you may have learned that success means making over six figures or owning a large house. If your parents were entrepreneurs, success might have been defined as working for yourself. Or if you grew up in a more traditional home, the messages around success may have revolved around getting married and having kids.
Beyond family and work, our larger culture has its own loud opinions. In a capitalistic society, it’s easy to feel unsuccessful if you’re struggling financially or not hitting certain milestones within the timelines we’re “supposed” to meet. For women in particular, these messages can be especially intense, as we scroll social media and hear the ticking clock in the background.
Creating Your Own Definition of Success
But here’s the truth: you don’t have to be swept away by the current of what others expect of you. You can reground yourself in what you actually want and create your own definitions of success to live by.
To do this, you need to pause, slow down, put others’ voices and messages aside, and start listening to your own voice again.
Ask yourself: What do you actually want? What do you want your definition of success to be? If you picture your ideal life and allow yourself to imagine without limitations, what would that actually look like?
Would it mean working in a fast-paced job where you’re traveling frequently and getting to see the world? Or would it mean having balance - maybe working closer to 20 hours per week and having ample time to give to hobbies, relationships, and rest?
Would it mean having a family in the traditional sense - spouse and maybe children? Or would it mean staying single? Owning three dogs? Or maybe having a non-traditional romantic relationship where you stay together but never get married?
Would it mean making six or seven figures? Or just enough to not have to stress about finances?
Would it mean pouring yourself into hobbies like running, dancing, cooking, or gardening?
Would it mean reaching the next milestone at your current job because that’s what you truly want? Or would it mean branching out on your own as an entrepreneur?
Success gets to look however you want it to look.
Why Enjoyment Matters More Than Achievement Alone
If you’re having trouble answering those questions or imagining what you want success to look like, then a good starting point is to shift your focus away from what you’re good at and toward what you enjoy.
One of the things that often gets lost on the road to becoming “successful” is enjoyment. School sets us up with some bad habits, ones where achievement is the goal, no matter how miserable the process. You learn to pass the tests and get the grades, whether or not you like what you’re doing.
That might work - kind of - in that setting. But carry that over to life as a whole? Your days can become a dopamine-chasing grind, where you push through things you hate for the fleeting satisfaction of accomplishment or checking off a box.
True meaning and fulfillment come from creating a life where you enjoy not just the outcomes, but the process. That doesn’t mean loving every minute. But it does mean not dreading your days or living only for the weekends.
Try This: Track What Brings You Joy and Fulfillment
So start paying attention to this throughout your day. As you engage in different tasks, try ranking your enjoyment level on a scale from 1 - 10.
When you make meals for yourself, does it create a sense of zen and calm, or do you just want to be done with it so you can move on to the things you actually enjoy?
When you exercise, do you feel energized and lighter, or does it make you want to curl up and take a nap?
Do you hate and dread the tasks you’re engaging in at work, or do you feel fulfilled and in a flow state?
It’s easy to fall into autopilot and do these things without much thought. But tuning into how you feel can offer real insight into how you want to build your life and what success might genuinely mean to you.
Ready to Define Success for Yourself?
If you’re curious about what success could look like for you, and you want support in untangling all the outside voices, I’d love to help you explore it. Please reach out to schedule an appointment when you’re ready to get started.
Hi, I’m Amanda. I’m a psychologist in Bloomington, Indiana providing online counseling and therapy services to professionals navigating life transitions. Please reach out if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment.
