What Healthy Boundaries Really Look Like (With Everyday Examples)
The word “boundaries” has become more commonplace these days. On one hand, that’s a great thing - boundaries are an important part of both self-care and healthy relationships, and it’s fantastic that people are learning more about them.
On the other hand, the word is often misinterpreted, to the extent that people sometimes think they’re setting healthy boundaries when they’re not.
Key Components of a Healthy Boundary
Healthy boundaries have multiple components:
They involve communicating your limits and needs in a way that is both tactful and assertive. (Tactful meaning respectful of the other person, and assertive meaning honest and direct about your needs, even if it feels uncomfortable.)
They should ultimately protect both you and your relationships. If they involve either sacrificing your well-being or contributing to dysfunctional dynamics, then they’ve gone awry.
They’re flexible and change over time, because our feelings, needs, and limits change over time. When boundaries become rigid, they become walls that might feel protective in the moment but do us a disservice in the long term.
They can sometimes involve a dialogue with the other person around compromise so that both people’s feelings and needs are being addressed.
They involve adapting YOUR behaviors so that they’re aligned with taking care of yourself, not trying to change other people’s behaviors, even though influencing their behavior may sometimes be a byproduct. The intention matters.
How we set and express boundaries can depend on the context, especially when power dynamics, cultural expectations, or fear of conflict come into play. Boundary setting is a skill, and it takes time and practice to build confidence with it.
What Setting Boundaries at Work Can Look Like
Let’s say you have a co-worker who is constantly emailing you after 5pm, conveying a sense of urgency (in non-urgent situations), and asking you to respond right away.
A healthy boundary first involves setting your own expectations for yourself around when, and how quickly, you respond to emails. Do you want to put all work away after 5pm? Do you want to give yourself 24 hrs to respond to emails? Maybe 48? Boundaries work best when you first tap into what you truly want and need.
Then it involves sticking to those boundaries you set for yourself. It would mean only responding to emails before 5pm and truly giving yourself the timeframe you’ve set for yourself to respond. Without guilt.
You can always change these later on if what you decided on doesn’t work. But we teach people how to treat us - if we don’t stick to our boundaries, it tells others that they can steamroll over us.
And if you get pushback from your co-worker about this, you can communicate your boundaries in a tactful and assertive way:
“Hi Lisa, I know that this issue is important to you, so I plan on working on it over the next few days and can have it to you by Friday. I typically respond to emails between 9am and 5pm, so if you have any questions about it for me in the meantime, please know that I’ll respond during those particular hours.”
This statement clearly acknowledges the other person’s feelings and priorities while also acknowledging your own limits and boundaries.
So what would an unhealthy boundary look like here?
It might mean saying something like, “Lisa, please don’t email me after 5pm. It’s my personal boundary to not respond after hours.”
That might not sound terrible, and you are allowed to make that request of Lisa. But the intention behind a healthy boundary is focused on taking care of your own needs, not controlling the other person’s behavior. Lisa is entitled to email whenever she wants, even if that’s in the middle of the night. Your responsibility is to stay grounded in your own limits, even when it feels like someone else is pulling you toward something that isn’t healthy for you.
It’s okay if your boundary influences someone else, but its purpose should be to protect your well-being, not to change theirs.
Boundaries in Romantic Relationships
Boundaries are also an important part of romantic relationships, whether you’re in the early stages of dating or ten years into your marriage.
Let’s say you're about to go on a first date with someone. It might involve telling the person who offered to drive you that you would prefer to drive yourself. Or that you want to meet in a public place. And doing this in a tactful way:
“I appreciate your offer to pick me up, but I would feel more comfortable driving myself.”
In a long-term relationship, boundaries are still important but might look a bit different.
Let’s say that your partner is consistently late when it comes to events that are important to you. You’ve tried talking to them about it multiple times, but the conversations aren’t going anywhere. You’re feeling more and more resentful, because it’s important to you to be on time, particularly when it comes to work events.
A boundary might mean that the next time your partner is late, you let them know in a kind way, and in a calm tone, that you’re going to go to the event without them:
“Babe, I love you, but I’m feeling more and more angry and resentful that this keeps happening. It’s important for me to be on time for this event, so I’m going to leave now and go on my own. I really do love having you with me for these types of things, so I hope that for the next event you’ll recognize how important this is to me and take steps to make sure that you can make it on time.”
I know for a lot of folks that this might seem mean or like a punishment, but this kind of boundary is ultimately protective, not just of your well-being, but of the relationship itself. Rather than let the resentment continue to build, which WILL damage the relationship, this person is taking responsibility for their actions in the moment by doing what they need to do to take care of themselves, and also communicating to their partner in a way that’s both tactful and direct.
What would be mean or punishing is if this person said something like:
“I can’t believe you NEVER show up on time for me. You’re so selfish. You know what - if you can’t take these simple steps, I’m just going without you.” (Walks out and slams the door behind them.)
The behavior is technically the same - the person going to the event on their own. But I’m sure you can see how different this is. The language is blaming and attacking and is focused on trying to get their partner to change. The behavior is coming from a place of anger and resentment, rather than a place of groundedness in their own needs. It’s leaning away from the relationship, rather than trying to protect the relationship in the long run.
Healthy Boundaries Take Practice
Boundaries are ultimately more complex than we think they are. It’s not just drawing a line in the sand. It involves a lot of self-awareness, self-reflection, and often difficult conversations with others, especially at times when we might feel emotionally charged.
If you’re noticing how tricky it can be to set boundaries, especially the kind that truly protect your well-being, know that you’re not alone. If you’d like support working through this, I’d be happy to help. Please feel free to reach out.
Hi, I’m Amanda. I’m a psychologist in Bloomington, Indiana providing online counseling and therapy services to professionals navigating life transitions. Please reach out if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment.
