This is Why You Don't Feel Rested After Relaxing (And What Your Nervous System Actually Needs)

May 18

I posted two stories on my personal IG account the other day, each one completely unrelated to the other. The first was a post I shared from someone else’s account, a video about what it’s like as a highly sensitive person trying to rest. The woman lied down on the couch, attempting to rest, and yet her internal dialogue ran a million miles a second, reminding her of all of the things that she should or could be doing, as well as all of the tragic ways in which life can go wrong. It hit home for me, as a highly sensitive person myself, and I felt called out in a way that felt validating. It IS hard to rest when you’re that sensitive and have a brain that never stops chattering.

The second post was a personal one, a video of me and my dance partner from the class we had just attended, going over a difficult pattern we had learned. At the time we were dancing and filming that video, I felt challenged by the pattern, and yet incredibly free as I let my body move after a long day of sitting. There were no thoughts in my head about the day’s stressors, only a focus on my body and my connection to my partner.

Why Relaxation and Rest Aren't the Same Thing

Seeing those two posts back to back was fascinating. It reminded me of how easy it is to default to relaxation as a primary form of rest. You come home from a long day of work, and what’s the automatic response? To flop down on the couch and scroll. Or veg out in front of the TV. Doing anything more feels like too much work or effort. And yet in watching the first video, it was a reminder of how “doing nothing” when your nervous system is still in high gear is anything but restorative. This is something I see often in my work as a therapist, especially among highly sensitive people - they tend to process the world deeply, and passive rest rarely gives their nervous system what it actually needs.

What Real Rest Actually Looks Like

Going to dance class that night required me to get my butt off the couch and out the door, and yet what was visible in that video was true restoration. It was movement and challenge, and yet rest in an entirely different way. It allowed my brain to completely disconnect from the day’s stressors, and for the rest of the world to melt away around me, even if only for a few minutes at a time. It gave me the chance to connect with other human beings in a way that didn’t require conversation, just presence and mindfulness. And it sent the message loud and clear to my nervous system that I was safe and could engage in fun and play.

How to Find What Actually Restores You

So my challenge to each of you is to identify the places in your life where you get to experience genuine freedom and restoration, and to make those a priority. And if you don’t have those in your life at the moment, take the time and space to figure out what those can be for you. The good news is that genuine restoration doesn't have to be complicated or hard to access - it just has to be the right fit for you. Here are a few places to start looking.

Activities That Give Your Nervous System What It Needs

Dance
I’m obviously a bit biased towards this one, but there’s also an incredible amount of research supporting the benefits of dance. There aren’t many activities that provide movement, physical contact, connection, learning, and play, all in the same activity. If dance classes aren’t feasible for you, then try playing some music at home and dancing around your living room, in a way where you can truly let go.
Movement of your choice
I hear from so many clients that they hate exercise, which makes sense when it feels like an obligatory behavior that you don’t enjoy doing. And yet there are endless forms of movement, and I’ve never met a single person NOT able to find a form of movement that feels good to them. If you’re someone who typically hasn’t enjoyed movement or exercise, then think of outside-of-the box options, like pickleball, rollerskating, rock climbing, or swimming.
Comedy
There’s nothing quite like having a good laugh when it comes to disconnecting from the day’s stressors, and there are so many easy ways to engage in this. You can go to a comedy show, watch a sitcom, pull up youtube videos, or play an amusing game with friends. And if you can find something where you laugh so hard you can’t catch your breath? Savor that as much as you can.
Physical Contact
Although options for this might be more limited depending on your circumstances, take advantage of it where you can. If you’re in a romantic relationship, then prioritize non-sexual physical time with your partner. It can be as simple as cuddling on the couch while watching a TV show or a movie. If you have a pet that’s a cuddler, then take advantage of that as well. And if you don’t have pets or a romantic partner, then maybe ask your friends for hugs when you see them.
Creative Expression
When you engage in something creative purely for the sake of pleasure and not accomplishment, it pulls you into the present moment in ways that can feel freeing and restorative. The important part isn’t being good at whatever it is you choose - it’s that you enjoy the process independent of the outcome. This could be painting, gardening, cooking, baking, writing, playing an instrument, or any other creative activity that you enjoy.

We all need opportunities in our lives to fully disengage and feel rested and restored, and we all deserve to experience genuine freedom. So the next time you’re tempted to lie on the couch and scroll, take the time to pause and think about what will actually provide you with the relief and release that you’re looking for. And if you’re struggling with that process and would like the help of a therapist, then feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help.