When Life Goes Sideways: 5 Strategies for Coping with the Unexpected

Apr 20

It’s the afternoon of Sunday, March 15th as I’m writing this. It’s the lull before a literal storm that will be hitting this evening. At the moment, it’s 60 degrees and sunny, the birds are chirping, and it looks and feels deceivingly like spring.

And yet tonight, we’re at a level 4 out of 5 risk for damaging winds up to 80 mph, tornadoes, and power outages. By tomorrow morning, the forecasters say it will drop into the 20s, with windchills close to 0, and a high likelihood of snow on the ground.

Mother Nature is about to throw a very loud, obnoxious tantrum. Or as my partner likes to say, “Mother Nature is drunk.”

I’m in a long-distance relationship with my partner, 2.5 hrs away, and I’m currently at his place. We’ll be getting hit with the same storm, although it’s supposed to be slightly less bad here.

As I sit with all of this, my brain is busy working away planning for possible scenarios. With the likelihood of power outages, there’s a good chance that I won’t have power tomorrow, and that even if I do have power, my clients may not. Given that my practice is solely telehealth, that means a high likelihood of having to reschedule a lot of appointments, at a time when we probably won’t know for sure when the power will return.

While I’m grateful to not be at my house right now, given that Bloomington is going to be smack dab in the middle of this monstrous storm, I’m worried about the potential damage, and I’m thinking through which of my friends I can contact to check my house for me tomorrow, and the steps I’ll have to take if there is damage.

There’s also the question of when to go back home, depending on the power situation at both my partner’s place and my house, and what’s going to make most sense in regards to that.

And when I take a step back from all of that, I feel tired. It’s exhausting and frustrating having to deal with unexpected life events that you have zero control over. Whether it’s weather, illness, injury, or other challenging circumstances, it’s incredibly difficult to just “roll with it” when life decides to shake up the snowglobe.

Why Unexpected Events Feel So Hard

There are a lot of valid reasons for why it is so hard. For one, our brains don’t like uncertainty. When we face uncertainty, our brains try to create certainty, even when it’s a futile mission. We go down rabbit holes, thinking through every possibility, assessing which possibility is most likely, and trying to plan and prepare for those. And yet these mental gymnastics often cause more stress and anxiety than the original stressor.

Unpredictable events also create a sense of powerlessness and helplessness. As the storm approaches this evening, I am fully aware of the reality that there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. And we as human beings don’t do well when we lose a sense of control. Like uncertainty, absence of control also creates stress, worry, and other negative impacts on her mood.

Most of us also have very busy lives, and when unexpected circumstances arise, it can feel as if there’s no time or energy left over to tend to the things that pop up that weren’t already on the schedule.

The curveballs that get thrown our way also create new decision trees. In the case of a storm, it’s figuring out what supplies you might need, when to go to the store, whether to cancel or maintain plans, which alerts to have set, where to shelter if needed, etc. And making decisions takes up bandwidth and energy. Even the small decisions accumulate over time, so these new ones take up a lot of our precious capacity.

5 Strategies for Coping with Life's Curveballs

Despite all of this, there are ways to lessen the toll that unexpected situations take on our time, energy, bandwidth, and overall mental health.

Here are my top strategies for dealing with life’s curveballs.

Focus on the things that are actually under your control.
When stressful situations arise, our brains often hone in on the things that we have no control over. And yet in most situations, there are usually at least a few things that are under our control, even if they’re small.
For example, in preparation for the storm this evening, my partner purchased ice so that we can put our food in the cooler if the power goes out. We know where we’ll shelter in place if need be. And we have flashlights and battery-powered candles ready to go. Try to identify the things that can help you to feel empowered.
Create more white space in your schedule.
When every minute of every day is scheduled, and something unexpected comes up, it can feel like pulling out the piece of the Jenga tower that makes the whole thing come crashing down. When we have white space, it creates more room and flexibility for life to happen and to move things around as needed.
So try to make this a regular practice, and even schedule it if you need to. Block off some time that says “white space” and only use it for emergencies. If you don’t end up needing it, you can use it for whatever will be most helpful to you at the time.
Become more comfortable with cancelling.
It’s hard enough to deal with unexpected situations. It becomes even more difficult when you expect yourself to maintain all of your prior commitments as if nothing has changed.
When something you didn’t anticipate arises, take the time to actively reprioritize the things in your life. Decide what needs to be tended to first and foremost, and give yourself permission to cancel or reschedule those things that are lower on the priority list.
Ask for help.
Difficult situations means that we often end up with additional needs. You might need help with clean-up after a storm knocks down a tree in your yard. You may need help with getting groceries or walking the dog if you’re sick and injured. And you might need time off of work if you’re dealing with loss.
Whether you ask a friend or family member, or hire someone to help you, make sure that you reach out to those who can help reduce the added burdens and stressors that arose.
Give yourself time to rest and recover.
Surprise circumstances usually aren’t pleasant ones. Whether it be bad weather, illness, injury, or loss, these types of situations are ones that are stressful, overwhelming, anxiety-provoking, and painful. And yet because they already disrupt our lives so much, it’s easy to forget that these take a toll and require rest and recovery. And so we jump back into our routines as soon as possible, trying to make up for lost time, rather than actually tending to ourselves with care.
So be honest with yourself about how you’re actually doing AFTER the event is over. If you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or feeling on edge, take the time that you need to tend to yourself.

Be Kind to Yourself When Life Gets Hard

When this blog post is published, the storm tonight will be well in the rearview mirror, and I know that in the grand scheme of things, everything will be okay. And yet, that doesn’t minimize the difficulties of these events when they occur.

So make sure to be kind to yourself during these times, and that you’re doing what you can to make your life easier rather than harder. How we care for ourselves while these events happen matters just as much as getting through them. And if you need help with this, please feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help.