Back in the Office: Why Your Feelings Are Data Points, Not Conclusions
A couple weeks ago, I went back to seeing clients in-person again, one day a week, for the first time in six years. I’ve been all telehealth since covid started, and so this was obviously a big change, even with it only being one day a week. I decided to make the change for a number of reasons, including increased requests from clients, as well as my own personal curiosity about how I would feel about in-person sessions again after that long.
Yet even with logically knowing what a big shift this was, I massively underestimated how jarring the transition would feel. I didn’t feel anxious going into it - just curious - so it threw me off guard when my feelings in the moment were bigger than I had anticipated.
I’m subletting someone else’s office space, and it’s an absolutely lovely space, but I underestimated how much harder it would be to settle into a space where nothing is mine. Every person / therapist has their own preferences as to furniture placement, color palette, lighting, etc., which makes it a unique experience to be dropped into someone else’s setup rather than your own. It felt foreign, and I kept trying to orient myself and make sense of this brand new space that I was in.
I also underestimated how strange it would feel to see clients in person again, even those that I had previously met with in-person prior to the pandemic. It reminded me of my online dating days - even when the connection was a great one, the shift from online to in-person created subtle changes in the overall experience, kind of like going from 2D to 3D. It's a more bizarre experience than you'd expect.
And yet the next week felt different. It felt easier being in the office space, and it felt easier to orient myself to my surroundings. I made some adjustments to make it feel more comfortable for me. I used a separate table in the room for telehealth sessions, because that space for me was more comfortable than the desk and office chair. I also set up my chair so that I was facing both the window and the door, rather than having my back to both.
It also felt easier to lean into the change with my clients, who also expressed that it felt strange and bizarre. It became a connective point where we could both allow it to feel weird. I also experienced more subtle nuances in the other person’s demeanor that were helpful from a clinical perspective. And surprisingly, my sessions went by quickly, more quickly than they often do over telehealth.
At this point, I honestly don’t know how I’ll continue to feel about it over time. But given that it’s been six years, my plan is just to give it more time. My guess is that I’ll continue doing this one day a week, and that a hybrid practice will provide me with the benefits of both telehealth and in-person. But I’m also giving myself permission to change my mind at a later point if my feelings should start shifting in one direction or the other - either wanting more days of in-person sessions, or a return to all telehealth.
Why Your Feelings Are Hard to Trust
The whole thing though was a reminder of why feelings can be so hard to sit with, and why it can feel so much easier in the moment to default to our thinking brains. Feelings can be overwhelming and intense in the moment, which means that whatever narrative our brain is running at that time feels like absolute truth and fact. At the same time, our feelings can change so drastically and quickly, that they can also feel hard to trust.
As I tell clients almost every day, our feelings are data points. As any researcher knows, you need a LOT of data points to form a valid conclusion, because there are always going to be exceptions to the rule. If you’re forming a conclusion based on only a couple data points, then you really have no idea whether they’re part of the general rule, or if they’re exceptions.
The Two Ways People Misread Their Feelings
I find that most of my clients fall into one of two categories.
They want to make conclusions immediately based on one data point.
When this happens, it can make life feel like a constant rollercoaster, where you’re constantly feeling pulled in different directions, questioning and doubting yourself at every decision point.
They collect so many data points that the conclusion is crystal clear, and yet they’ve convinced themselves that they still don’t have enough data.
Typically though, it’s not that they don’t have enough data - it’s that making any change based on that data feels really, really scary. It's recognizing that a relationship or situation has been unsustainable for longer than you've wanted to admit.
How to Find the Sweet Spot Between Reacting and Waiting
The solution is to find the goldilocks sweet spot. It’s giving enough space and time to collect ample data points, enough that you can start to notice patterns emerge. And it’s recognizing when the pattern is strong and consistent enough that it’s safe to make a change, trusting that you’re making that decision from a grounded rather than impulsive place.
It’s also knowing for yourself which category you tend to fall into. If you’re someone who tends to make impulsive decisions based on only a couple data points, then it can be good practice to work on sitting with your feelings and giving them more space and time to see if they shift or change. If you’re someone who tends to sit on decisions despite having ample data points, then the practice might come from sitting with the discomfort that comes with change and making decisions.
What makes this hard is that neither tendency is wrong - they're both protective in their own way. Moving quickly tries to protect you from prolonged uncertainty. Moving slowly tries to protect you from making a mistake you can't undo. The goal isn't to eliminate the protective instinct, but to develop enough self-awareness that you can catch it and ask: Is this actually helping me, or is it keeping me stuck?
And if you need a therapist’s help with navigating big or uncertain feelings, feel free to reach out - I’m happy to help.
Hi, I’m Amanda. I’m a psychologist in Bloomington, Indiana providing online counseling and therapy services to professionals navigating life transitions. Please reach out if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment.
