Vulnerability in Dating: Why It's Scary but Still Worth the Risk

Sep 22

What is Vulnerability?

Many of you are probably familiar with the word vulnerability - if you’ve heard of Brene Brown, or read anything by her, then you’re likely well-versed in the topic. Brene Brown defines vulnerability as having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome. While this might sound simple in concept, the practice of it can be incredibly scary and overwhelming, particularly in an area like dating. Yet vulnerability is so important when it comes to forming meaningful, lasting relationships.

We often appreciate vulnerability in others - it feels good when others trust us enough to share their inner worlds. We appreciate when a friend feels comfortable enough to open up about their marital struggles. We feel validated when a co-worker shares that they’re also struggling with the micromanaging boss. We love it when our partner is the first to say I love you, and the pressure is off of us to say it first. Vulnerability in others makes us feel cared for, appreciated, and validated in our experiences.

And yet we struggle to be vulnerable ourselves. Flip all of the above scenarios and imagine yourself being the vulnerable one - something we greatly appreciate in another person becomes something that we shy away from when we think about doing it ourselves.

It feels scary to think about sharing our most intimate experiences when we don’t know whether we’ll be met with love and caring, or criticism and rejection. It’s easy to go into self-protective mode, choosing not to share with others our thoughts, feelings, and needs, in order to reduce the risk of getting hurt.

Vulnerability in Online Dating

Vulnerability is particularly difficult in online dating, because it’s inherent in almost every aspect of the process. Here’s just a short list of online dating actions that require vulnerability :

Posting photos of what you actually look like.
Sending the first message.
Opening up to someone else about who you are.
Asking the person you’ve been messaging with to meet in person.
Telling someone outright that you like them.
Telling someone that you don’t want to go out with them again.
Setting boundaries.
Expressing your feelings and needs.

And the reality is that with every vulnerable step you take, hurt and rejection are inevitable. People will swipe left on you. You’ll send messages to people who will never respond. You’ll be ghosted. And you’ll likely have your heart broken. This is the paradox of dating - being open to connection also means being open to pain. One of my favorite Brene Brown quotes, which I posted on my fridge after a particularly brutal heartbreak back when I was dating, sums this up well:

“If you’re brave with your life, if you choose to live in the arena, you’re going to get your ass kicked. You’re going to fall. You’re going to fail. You’re going to know heartbreak.”

So if vulnerability is so difficult and painful, what’s the point of it? Why open ourselves up to the possibility of such hurt and heartache?

The answer is because it’s only with vulnerability that we also get to experience the other side of the coin - joy, meaning, fulfillment, connection, and aliveness.

Yes, without vulnerability, you might avoid getting hurt in certain ways. But it also means that things like creativity, accomplishment, belonging, and connection disappear.

No risk means a mediocre, middle-of-the-road life - kind of like living in a world of black, white, and gray, rather than one of vibrant colors. And when it comes to dating, it means isolation rather than connection.

The Risks of Not Being Vulnerable in Dating

Holding Yourself Back

When you’re not vulnerable in dating, it can prevent you from taking the first steps forward. You might hold off for months on creating a dating profile or picking out photos, even though you really want to find connection. You might refuse to send the first message, even though you found someone that you’re genuinely interested in getting to know. Or you might be internally fuming that someone still hasn’t asked you out after two months of chatting, and yet you won’t ask them out yourself. A lack of vulnerability can keep you stuck standing in place, rather than moving forward towards the connection that you’re looking for.

Becoming a Chameleon

Avoiding vulnerability also means that we might present ourselves in certain ways that aren’t completely genuine. We may tailor ourselves to what other people want, becoming chameleons, rather than being our authentic selves. It feels self-protective at the time, and yet it also prevents us from truly connecting with other people, creating feelings of loneliness even when we’re dating or in a relationship. It prevents others from getting to know us for who we truly are, making real connection impossible. And when we can only “perform” for so long, the eventual breaking point often causes more heartache than if we had walked away from the beginning.

Putting Yourself Last

I often hear from women in particular that they stay in connections and relationships way longer than they want to out of fear of hurting someone else. So they stay silent, suppress their feelings and needs, and hope that maybe things will get better, their feelings will magically change, or the person will become who they’re wanting and needing. And yet while it’s extremely vulnerable to end a connection, it’s not cruel - it’s giving both you and the other person an opportunity to move on to other connections that will be a better fit. When you stay silent instead, it quietly erodes away at you as a person, as well as any connection that did exist with that person.

Why Vulnerability Leads to Stronger Relationships

Taking Steps Forward

In contrast, when you’re willing to be vulnerable, you take steps forward, knowing that even if they don’t go as hoped, you can still learn and grow from them. For example, let’s say you take the vulnerable step of asking someone out whom you’ve been chatting with for the past few weeks. They tell you that they’re not comfortable with that, and they’re not sure when they will be. Does that suck? Sure. But you just saved yourself valuable time and energy that you can put towards people who want to go at the same pace that you do, rather than wasting it on someone who wasn’t going to be a good fit for you.

Forming Authentic Connections

There’s nothing quite as rewarding as being your authentic self, as vulnerable and as scary as that is, and having someone respond to that with enthusiasm, gratitude, and respect. Let’s say that you hate to cook. You’re embarrassed by it, but you decide to share it with potential partners anyway. Imagine the relief of having someone respond by saying, “That’s not a problem - I love to cook. How about for our next date, I have you over for a meal?” Wrapped up in that response is acceptance, respect, and an invitation to lean into who each person is.

Do you run the risk of having someone respond to something like that poorly? Absolutely. But by sharing that information early on, you can weed out the people who expect their partner to have a homemade meal on the table every night, and put your energy towards those who are going to love and accept you for who you are.

Making Yourself A Priority

It’s a little counterintuitive in a way, but when you act vulnerably, it puts you in charge of the process. You get to be in the driver’s seat, making sure that your feelings, wants, and needs are a priority. A big part of a successful online dating experience is figuring out HOW to date in a way that helps you to stay grounded and empowered, as well as improves the quality of your matches. When you give yourself permission to walk away from connections that aren’t a fit, while leaning into those that are, you create a dating experience that’s both vulnerable and empowering at the same time.

Becoming More Vulnerable in Dating

So how do you become more comfortable with vulnerability in online dating?

To be honest, you don’t - at least not to begin with. If you wait until you feel comfortable, it likely won’t ever happen. Risk is inherent in vulnerability, and risk is at least a little bit scary for most of us. It’s not something that you just get over or stop feeling.

However, you can feel scared and still make the choice to be vulnerable. You can decide that you want a life filled with joy, meaning, connection, and love, and make the decision that you’re willing to take the scary steps necessary for that to happen.

To ease yourself into this, you can look at taking small steps towards vulnerability in other areas of your life. Maybe you’ve always wanted to do martial arts but it felt too intimidating - you could take the time now to commit to taking one class to see how you actually feel about it. Or maybe you’ve never expressed to a friend how much they mean to you - you could send a note of gratitude or appreciation to them. Even tiny acts of openness build the “muscle” of vulnerability.

And when you decide to practice this in dating, start small. Send one message to someone you find interesting, and then give yourself permission to take a break from the apps for a week. Or take a little bit of time to find one date outfit that you feel comfortable and confident in. Online dating is a marathon, not a sprint, so go at a pace that works well for you.

If being vulnerable feels difficult for you, and you would like to start that process in a therapy space, then please feel free to reach out - I’m happy to help.