Your Feelings are Data Points, not Flaws
Have you ever found yourself saying “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”?
Maybe you’ve got a pit in your stomach even though your life looks great on paper, and so you tell yourself that the feeling must be wrong. Or maybe you feel mad at a friend, even though you know that they didn’t mean to be hurtful, so you tell yourself that you should move on from feeling angry.
Many of us learned growing up that our feelings are flawed, that they should be judged and criticized, that they can easily lead us astray. We were taught that our thoughts are much more reliable than our feelings and therefore should play the biggest role in our decision-making.
But in reality, our feelings are just as reliable, if not more so, than our thoughts.
Our feelings are data points that give us crucial information about our experiences. They’re inherently neutral, no different than the fact that the sky is blue. We typically don’t find ourselves upset that the sky is blue, yet we often get frustrated that we feel certain ways. We often label our feelings as good or bad, right or wrong, rather than seeing them as messengers trying to tell us something. When we write those feelings off, we lose all of that important data.
Exploring Your Feelings Instead of Rationalizing Them
For example, let’s say that you’ve been feeling burned out and overwhelmed by work. You’ve been feeling this way for a while, but you keep rationalizing it away:
All of your co-workers seem fine, so it must be a “you” problem.
The job pays well and gives you good benefits, so you should be grateful for those.
People in other jobs work longer hours, so your hours shouldn’t be impacting you this much.
Even if you did try to cut back, you would leave your co-workers in the lurch, which you would feel super guilty about.
What would happen though if you just noticed that you feel burned out and overwhelmed, without the shoulds and shouldn’ts? What would happen if you explored with curiosity why this might be happening, rather than immediately deciding that your feelings are wrong?
Maybe you might notice that your limits are different from your co-workers’ limits.
Maybe you would find that you’re in a toxic work environment that has been gaslighting you into thinking you’re in a dream job.
Maybe you would find that the work isn’t a good fit for you.
Maybe you would learn that you need to set more boundaries with others.
Regardless of what you learned, all of those possibilities involve better understanding yourself. Emotions can be extremely helpful in learning more about our experiences if we respect them and allow them to be.
In contrast, our thoughts can often lead us astray.
While many of our thoughts are based in reality, our minds have an extraordinary capability for imagination and story-telling, meaning that our thoughts can also be random, unpredictable, and disconnected from reality. While we like to think that our cognitive capabilities can overcome any struggle, the reality is that overthinking a problem while ignoring our feelings can lead us to feel like we’re on a never-ending hamster wheel.
How to Start Listening to Your Feelings
So what’s the solution?
Start working on noticing your feelings without judgment. Bring curiosity to them, and with compassion, think about why you might be feeling the way that you are. And if you struggle to do this, think about what you would say to a friend. We’re often much kinder to the people we love than we are to ourselves.
And if you’re wanting more help with sorting through your feelings and thoughts, don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a counseling appointment. I’m happy to help.
Hi, I’m Amanda. I’m a psychologist in Bloomington, Indiana providing online counseling and therapy services to professionals navigating life transitions. Please reach out if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment.
